Monthly Archives: January 2010

Julia’s Turn

I took Julia in for a well-child visit.  It was WAY overdue.  However, she is a “well child” so I guess with her being older with no issues I have neglected to bring her in.  They have no record of her height in their current system which goes back to Oct 2007.  So – it has been 3 or more years.  Geez!  She has been in for this or that but they only take her weight on those visits.

She is 52 inches – which is the 80th percentile for height.  She weighs 57 pounds which is 52nd percetile for weight and her BMI is 14.8 which is the 27th percentile.   So she is tall and slim… a good thing to be!

The doctor looked her over and declared her healthy and suggested I bring her back in a few years…

the club

I went for a mammogram today.  It was a baseline screening type due to some family history.  I’m getting close to 40 anyway.  No cause for concern.

Anyway I mention this because the tech started telling me about the procedure and made a comment that I didn’t seem concerned and seemed pretty relaxed.  I told her I had a child with cancer and this seemed like pretty simple stuff compared to other medical tests.  She picked up on the “had” part and we had a discussion about child loss.  She lost her 17 year old in a plane crash 11 years ago.  It was a brief but meaningful conversation where she acknowledged some of the truths of losing a child and some perspective of being 11 years out and what things are easier and what things are not.  She made a comment about how sometimes chance meeting are not chance and I feel she was right.  I really needed to have a encounter with someone who knows – as you can tell from my angsty post from yesterday.


I was just standing at the kitchen window eating a piece of leftover cornbread for breakfast and was suddenly transported to the Memorial Sloan Kettering cafeteria on a busy weekday morning – standing by the muffin case, Nathan in a stroller, gathering breakfast before we went up the the pediatric floor.  All the smells and crowd noise came back.  So did an overwhelming feeling of being so glad not to be there but at the same time giving anything to be back there with Nathan.

snap out of it

I have a few posts brewing but this a prelude to one and is short and sweet.  I think that the people who love me but have not lost a child themselves (which is almost everyone) are really waiting and hoping for me to “snap out of it”.  They know someone else who has lost a child or they read someone else’s blog or they simply are just concerned for my and my families’ well-being and so when I post a grief entry on here they get worried about me or they just start wishing for me to get to the “next place” or somehow progress to a different place. 

I know you are all well-meaning, but it just is defeating to know that I am being judged for where I am with my grief.  One who loves me very much recently compared my grief with someone else’s and I know that person meant well but it hurt, because I am where I am and I feel what I feel and I am on my own time frame.

I will post soon about a letter I got and for some reason got buried on my desk until a few days ago.  A letter acknowledging my grief and admitting some of these feelings about waiting and hoping for me to “snap out of it” and then having a revelation about where I am.  Jude – if you are reading this, this is yours and I will be privately emailing you and then hopefully sharing more of what you said if you agree.


Disclaimer:  I am reviewing this just because I love it.  There’s none of that bloggy endorsement stuff going on here.

I recently ordered a cook book I had read an article about in the paper.  It is called

Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day: The Discovery That Revolutionizes Home Baking

The title isn’t really accurate and I think the authors did not have a lot of choice because they quickly explain the title when you start reading.

The reality is you quickly mix together about 4 pounds (or more) dough at once and let it rise at room temperature initially for about 2 hours and then and store it in the fridge.  It is an especially moist dough so it does not dry out.  

You then can keep the dough for up to two weeks in the fridge and just grab 1 pound of dough at a time. You quickly shape it and let it rise for 30 minutes.  You preheat the oven for 20 minutes and bake for 30 minutes.  So – you have to have time at home while it rises and bakes but the actual hands on work on the day you bake the bread is only about 5 minutes. Since I am a stay at home mom it fits just fine into my schedule.  However, with planning ahead you could get up on the morning to shape the dough and let it rise while preheating and then bake for 30 minutes and take it out of the oven before work.  

Anyway – the bread this first week has been amazing!  Very crusty outside, moist and chewy inside.  The one pound loaf is a great size for the 4 of us.  I can always bake another loaf the next day if I want more since it is so easy.

I started with the basic white bread last week and next week I am going to try European Rustic bread.  I just finished baking up the last loaf (which is actually a bit more than 1 pound).  I am still perfecting the scoring of the’s a picture.

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Lauren’s Song

I was getting ready this morning and Lauren was lying on the bathroom floor just singing a made up song. She was singing about people dying of cancer and that “everybody dies”. Then she started to sing about how God is with you everywhere and with everyone at the same time, at your friend’s house and at your grandma’s house. She sung about how God is the King of Kings and all-powerful.

I think she may actually really get it.