I’ve decided to move back to blogspot. There are issues with pictures and stuff but I decided I don’t care.
It’s far too easy to know how old Nathan would be. He was born in June 2000. I cannot express how badly I ache to be parenting that 13 year old boy.
First off, Thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. I appreciate the encouragement.
On to the post…
I was recently at a funeral where I saw many people I haven’t seen in a while who knew Nathan. I will tell about the funeral in a future post…I am not able to write about it yet…very painful..former teacher of Nathan and Julia.
Anyway – it won’t the first time by far I got this comment but I got it several times. “You look good!” This is often said with a combination of relief/surprise. Sometimes even “you look happy”. I wonder what they think a grieving mom should look like. Especially 6 years down the road. Especially at a very upsetting funeral where I am sure I looked sad some as well.
Looks can be deceiving. On one hand, it is good that I look happy, that I look like I’ve got things together. On there other hand, is there some secret expectation that I have fallen apart physically as well as emotionally? For sure that is true but the physical things aren’t visible from the outside.
There’s also the incredulity that someone can smile again after losing a child. I know most people think they would just die too if their child died. Certainly if they lived they wouldn’t smile – or look good. The pain is certainly bad enough to make one wish they were dead at times but, nope, we do go on living and what is life about anyway?
I’m sure there are fellow moms that can relate to this comment…I never know what to say…I guess I say thanks. Do you all get this too? Those who haven’t lost a child – might I suggest instead of telling the person they look good/happy just tell them it is good to see them and keep the thought in your head.
Yeah – I haven’t posted in a long time so I doubt more than 2 or 3 people will read this. I owe a catch up post for sure.
That post might be about….
So – perhaps I’ll take a turn with each.
Tonight is kids choir…I’m without my co-teacher again tonight…for the 4th week in a row…out of 6 weeks. I’m white-knuckling it through with 30 Kindergarteners and 1st graders. Luckily my accompanist is back tonight after 2 weeks gone…will not have to lead the kindermusic stuff at least – she’s an expert in that. I’m really happy to have a K1 choir instead of just Kindergarten for the sake of singing songs. Handling all of them and speaking over the 30 little voices gets tiring though. I am always reminded I would make a terrible elementary teacher.
Julia’s choir is a 4:45 this year. We told her she couldn’t do it because we just couldn’t get her downtown in time (she gets off the bus at 4:15) and also keep our sanity with the prep for my choir. We also didn’t want to drive 2 cars downtown and back. Luckily for her she was offered a ride by a young woman who helps out with choir. So – this young woman picks her up from her school across town and takes her to choir. She finishes choir right as we enter the room to set up for ours so we send her to the Fellowship Hall to eat and then she takes the initiative to finish her homework at a table in the plaza and goes across the street to Youth group when she is done. I’ve been very impressed with how mature and responsible she is!
That’s it for now.
Nathan’s last day of school is so clear to me. Picking him up after school. Walking slowly to the car (because it hurt him to walk). Knowing he would never go back to school. Everyone around me just having their happy last day of school.
Today I will go pick up the girls. Julia is done with Elementary School. Lauren is having her last day of first grade.
The hot sun, summer weather…associated with a season of dying and loss. Bright sunny days I walk out of my front door and flash back to Luke carrying Nathan’s body out the front door on such a day.
Time marches on…somehow the memories are still fresh and sharp as a knife.
I said I would blog and so I am, but having trouble thinking about what to say.
Maybe a little life update will work.
As we are almost in May I have been finalizing summer plans – which involve quite a bit of travel – we always visit the Grandparents but are shaking up the order and driving to see more of the country this summer. Julia will go to camp again this summer. Luke and maybe the rest of us will go to a weekend joint birthday (big 4-0) celebration with some of his college friends.
We are gearing up for the end of the school year but, as usual, April is the new May and most of the recitals and end of year events have already occurred. I kind of like that it isn’t every weekend in May crammed full any more. Luke and I are going to see John Prine in concert next weekend. Julia is getting ready to finish elementary school.
Luke and I are going to Rome with my parents in September…very excited about that.
After very sketchy choir attendance for most of this calendar year I am in the midst of a 9 week stretch where I won’t miss any choir. We are singing my one of my absolute favorite choral songs in a few weeks. I am so incredibly fortunate to be able to sing with such a large talented choir.
Tomorrow night and Saturday morning I am attending a conference about the future vision of my church. We felt one of us should go. I love most things about my church but there is a big gaping difference in a key belief that keeps me wondering if I can stay. We’re still there and still involved and serving and I really hope that doesn’t have to change.
So – there are some tidbits – no grief stuff this time…not in the mood – not that it isn’t ever present.
So – I am moved over here. Things are not quite all here yet. All the slideshows are missing but they are password protected posts anyway. I will restore those as links soon. More on passwords below.
So – yes – most of the picture-heavy posts are protected. There are plenty that are not, but it will narrow down the selection of publicly viewable images. My Picasaweb is locked down and so you can only view pictures if you have the link to the image. Some images still have missing image icons and I am working on moving them over.
As I have been going through old posts I realize how much I appreciate reading what was going on years ago – so I am planning on upping my blogging for my own sake.
So, about the password. It is the same password for most protected posts – once you put it in one you should be able to see others without re-entering it. If you would like the password and you are on Facebook with me, just message me for it. If you are not, go to the “About” tab on this page and send me a message. If I don’t know you and you have never commented here please leave a detailed message for me, or better yet, a link to your own blog.
I will still have plenty of non-password protected posts – I am just putting passwords on ones with bunches of pictures to keep whomever is stealing the pictures of my girls from getting any more to use on their blog. I want to keep blogging about my life and my grief to whomever wants to read.
So – for a while now I have been dealing with the unauthorized use of a picture I took of Nathan, looking out a window. The legitimate blog, The Big Picture, of Boston.com asked me to include the picture for a childhood cancer awareness post. I agreed but people then stole the picture and someone has even created a meme and attributed a quote and attached a url onto that photo. I see it pop up onto my Facebook feed regularly and it is not a good feeling. It is not regarded somehow as a generic childhood cancer photo for free use. It is not.
Then I received a message on Facebook that pictures from here and Picasaweb and such are being used in someone else’s blog. I have not hear back where that might be. I suspect the person who sent me the message was using a pseudonym. If that person is reading this – I really would appreciate more information. I have since made a bunch of things private and unpublished a bunch of posts here. I hope to make things public again at some point. If I make this blog private I will give you a warning and ability to log in.
If any of you reading this know of other uses of Nathan’s photo – please let me know.