As you know – I like to record my dreams of Nathan here – for myself really – so ignore if you like.
We were at an indoor swimming pool. This was a bald 6 year old Nathan. Someone else was throwing him into the water but I could tell they were being a little too rough with him. I knew he was in a little bit of pain. I got into the water with him instead. He had a nice smile on his face as I got in with him. Then the dream ended.
As usual, nice to “see” Nathan.
I often write about Nathan dreams..this wasn’t one. I also often have dreams where I die – this one is different. This dream woke me up a 6:22 this morning.
It was widely circulating that the world was going to end. I sort of believed it but was skeptical as well. I dropped of Lauren at Luke’s parents house and told her I would come back to get her later. I then was driving north on I-25 and I called Luke because it was almost the supposed time for the world to end. I told him kind of lightly it was almost time and we kind of laughed but then ahead of me I saw the city just collapsing in flames and I told him that it was happening and I told him I loved him but I was very calm and at peace. I had a sensation of falling and falling and falling and as I fell I cried out to Jesus, but not in fear, in anticipation and love.
Then, I woke up.
Wow – I have just never had a dream like that that involved my faith. It was not a nightmare, per se, but it certainly rattled me enough to wake up, and I supposed the dream had to end because when I was done falling, I would have been dead.
It is one of those that is still with me, many hours later…
Luke started tossing and turning somewhere before 6:00 this morning. I guess I should be grateful because it allowed me to wake up and then fall asleep again and have a really detailed dream about Nathan. In the first part of the dream we were swimming. He had floaties on his arms but they were small and he managed to swim under water with them. At some point we were out of the water and he was standing right next to me and I asked him a question and he answered it, just exactly how he spoke, which I can’t explain, and ended with a little laugh. I put my arm around him. We went to figure out a prescription and it was taking a while and the pharmacist wanted to substitute something else so I told Nathan “Go see your Daddy” and told her he was terminally ill but was doing really well and we didn’t want to change anything. At this point in the dream in my mind it was 2010 and he had lived another 3 years. He was about 6 in the dream though. The next part of the dream was a big dinner at our house and a lot of our friends were there and Nathan had two of his friends there and it was nice seeing him interact with them. I didn’t recognize them though.
There was more fuzzy stuff, but my favorite part was the conversation I had which was pure Nathan. Of course seeing him smiling face was wonderful too.
I really don’t have time to blog this morning but I am going to try to do this quickly.
Yesterday we went up to my brother’s house a few hours away. My parents had come in to take care of his kids while he and his wife were away. My kids were out of school and it was my father’s birthday. I figure it had been a good 20 years since I had spent my father’s birthday with him and it seemed like an excellent opportunity to do so! I made his traditional birthday cake the night before (cherry walnut) and we got up and went yesterday morning. He didn’t know we were coming and so it was a big surprise when we showed up. We hung out and spent some time outside in the beautiful fall weather and had a big dinner and desert. It was a really great day.
Last night I dreamed of Nathan. It was a long drawn out dream where I spent a lot of time with him. As is usual with my dreams, his health was frail but this time the knowledge of his death wasn’t there, it was just that he was not robust and I was transported back to that time. He ran around a bit and then all of a sudden it was his birthday and we were celebrating that and he was smiling and happy and it was just wonderful. His last birthday he was doing pretty horribly but in this dream birthday last night he was that age but it was a wonderful birthday. The dream was so vivid that it almost feels like I spent time with him last night. Wonderful.
I had the most lovely dream about Nathan last night. We were face to face and he was just smiling his sweet smile at me. I even caressed his cheek and chatted with him. I could see his whole face with all its detail. Just so precious.
As you know, I like to record my dreams of Nathan in this blog so I can remember them later.
Last night’s dream was great – I was dreaming it right before I woke up. Nathan had come back from the dead. He was feeling great and at our house. He was playing with his sisters and also playing some computer games. I was rummaging around trying to find some of his clothes for him. We knew it was a miracle that he was with us but unlike most dreams where we know he is leaving again, in this dream, we decided it was a miracle he was back so why couldn’t there be a miracle that kept him with us. So we were very upbeat and just enjoying having him with us. At one point we were walking along a path, the five of us, and it felt so good to have the whole family together.
I miss that little boy!
After a very difficult day yesterday missing Nathan I was blessed by a long dream visit by Nathan. It was so good to see him and he was feeling very well in this dream.
This time of year is just so difficult. It is something that has just hit me, not something I am actively thinking about – I feel like I have little control over the sadness.
Here’s a picture – just because
Once again – blogging a dream mainly for myself to remember.
I’m in a house that is my house but not my actual house in real life. There are tons of houseguest and kids about as well as some friends of friends that I do not know. Nathan walks in the hall and he is about 5 or 6 and is wearing pajamas – perhaps his blue and red hot wheels pajamas. I smiled at him and told him I was glad to see him as I hadn’t seen him much today because he’s been off playing with all the kids. He walked out of the room and the person I was standing with asked if he was my son and I said yes.
This is one of the only dreams I have had of Nathan where I do not acknowledge during the dream that Nathan is actually dead. He just sliiped into my dream as if he was a part of my everyday life as usual. It was a nice treat.
This entry is for me – I like to write down my dreams of Nathan so I can remember them later.
I was in the inpatient side of MSKCC. I walked through the halls and accidently walked through the nurses station. I ran into Dr. K and he said my name with surprise and asked what I was doing there. I told him I was there for my son. He made some comment thinking I was there to remember Nathan being there but I told him that Nathan was there and I was going to go get him. I got to his hospital room and I picked him up and was holding him cradle style. He was his 7 year old size. He was sweet but I could tell I was hurting him. I then picked him up chest to chest an he wrapped his legs around my waist and said that was much better and smiled at me. I took him right out of that hospital into the sunshine.
The feeling of being near to Nathan is still with me this morning. I love that.
I had a disturbing dream last night. Nathan was brought back to me, temporarily, and I was glad to see him but after we hugged he told me he was in pain and I had to give him some morphine and I was just so upset that he had been brought back to me only to suffer. It was nice to hold him on my lap though. He was wearing this outfit (minus the hat).