Andy, Max’s Dad, left a comment in which the end said:
“Hope you guys are doing OK with the holidays approaching. We need an angel parent party or something like that, I think (weird, I know, but comforting too) “
Andy, you are so right and the thing is, no one else can understand. It is impossible for others to understand what we angel parents go through day to day, and even more so with the holidays. I recently had a friend try to ask me (in full love and the spirit of trying to understand) why Christmas is so hard. I tried to explain, but there is no explaining. All I could say was “how would you feel if one of your kids was not there on Christmas?”. That doesn’t work though and I never want any of my friends to be in my place, that is for sure! I can socialize with those I am close to for Christmas Eve and Christmas but we have had invites over the years to join good friends PLUS their relatives or other friends and I just cannot. I cannot because I will have to put on the fake face for these people I do not know well. I will feel like I have to push in all my grief and the truth is, I do that too much anyway. I don’t want to have to do that on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.
I know the people who love me are waiting for me to get beyond it or something like. Things will change eventually, I think. When my children are no longer small, the sting of Christmas morning might be less. I don’t know, just guessing. It isn’t easier this year. Nathan would be 10. It is just as hard as if he would be 7. It is not easier this year just because another year has gone by. I am USED to not having him with us for Christmas but it hurts JUST THE SAME.
This DOES NOT MEAN I have no joy and happiness at Christmas. This is the other thing I think people don’t understand. I have ALL the emotions. Some of them are SAD though, which is different than that of my friends. I was told recently I have to get to a place where I can have joy too, but she assumed wrong. I have joy AND I have pain.
I would love to attend an angel parent Christmas party. Alas, we are too spread out. So, for now, and until I feel differently, which may be never, I don’t intend to force myself to put aside my feelings of grief at the holidays.