snap out of it

I have a few posts brewing but this a prelude to one and is short and sweet.  I think that the people who love me but have not lost a child themselves (which is almost everyone) are really waiting and hoping for me to “snap out of it”.  They know someone else who has lost a child or they read someone else’s blog or they simply are just concerned for my and my families’ well-being and so when I post a grief entry on here they get worried about me or they just start wishing for me to get to the “next place” or somehow progress to a different place. 

I know you are all well-meaning, but it just is defeating to know that I am being judged for where I am with my grief.  One who loves me very much recently compared my grief with someone else’s and I know that person meant well but it hurt, because I am where I am and I feel what I feel and I am on my own time frame.

I will post soon about a letter I got and for some reason got buried on my desk until a few days ago.  A letter acknowledging my grief and admitting some of these feelings about waiting and hoping for me to “snap out of it” and then having a revelation about where I am.  Jude – if you are reading this, this is yours and I will be privately emailing you and then hopefully sharing more of what you said if you agree.

5 responses to “snap out of it

  1. I wonder what it is that these people are hoping for. Your recovery? The recovery of a lost relationship with you? The awkwardness they feel to go away when they are around you that fills up the place where Nathan should be? So much of your life has been taken away in addition to your child and to find yourself with your grief and the old pathways of dealing with emotions no longer working because the people at then end of those paths do not know how to connect with you about your grief must be very alienating and frustrating. Each persons grief is their own. There is no script, no comparison, no way for you to have to act. I'm sorry that you find yourself here and that you feel as if somehow others are judging how you are supposed to be dealing with the loss of your child. People always say it is 'unimaginable' to consider losing a child. Luckily it is not an experience that most parents have to deal with. Sadly, the lack of an emotional reference point for everyone forces even more things on your plate to deal with on top of everything else in your life that has been turned upside down since diagnosis. I really and truly wish I was in possession of a magic wand.

  2. I have never lost a child, and I am grateful, but I have lost a few people close to me. When I lost a dear friend, after a year I realized I would never "get over it" and that my grief was an infinite cycle that repeated itself with some minor variations. And with my other loss, I would go about my daily life for years and be surprised when people spoke to me as if I was a whole person when it was so obvious to me that a huge piece was shattered off. I don't think we're supposed to "get over it." We're not made that way. I expect that when you are sixty years old and grocery shopping, you will still see Nathan in your mind's eye running ahead of you in the aisle, or doing whatever he would usually do.

  3. (I hope that didn't sound presumptuous. I did not mean it that way.)

  4. I have been thinking about this posting ever since you made it.Wills Dad is right about all the reasons he gives. I have felt all those, Susan. But mostly I flub over and over in my responses to you because I love you so much and wish you did not have to hurt anymore. Please forgive me of whatever inadvertent pain I have caused you with any well-meaning but insensitive words. Nathan will never stop being your son, and I imagine you will never stop missing him. You are free to live out your grief in whatever way you want, for as long as you need. I want you as my friend however you come, wherever you are on the journey.

  5. oh my. Snap put of it? I realize I don't you very well but you have been handling htis very gracefully as far as I am concenred. It is my good fortune not to have lost a child, but my sad fortune to have known many people over the years who have. Acceptance may become easier, but the pain of loss, as far as I can tell, will always be there.

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