Monthly Archives: October 2008


A little while ago I asked Lauren when she wanted for her birthday.  I was expecting some hemming and hawing from her but she very quickly said “A rubber duck!”

I told her that we actually had several rubber ducks upstairs in the tub and  now she is hemming and hawing.

I have no clue where she got that one from!


So – I just don’t know how to have a normal reaction to childhood illness.  I guess it is not surprising but I just don’t know how I will get through the rest of my girls’ childhoods.  It seems when I see some kind of symptoms I initially overreact, but then when I start thinking about it maybe I underreact just so that I am not overreacting.  I have lost sight of what a “normal” parent would be concerned about.

As usual, I am concerned about Lauren.  She is always tired.  She walks around saying “I am So So So tired”.  She probably does not get enough sleep, but still – what almost three year old says that!  She is pale, she has dark circles under her eyes.  Well – at times I was a pale child with dark circles under my eyes – so that is probably just genetic.

Today after preschool she looked wiped out so I asked her what was the matter.  She said ” My breathing is just hard today”.  What does that mean?  I checked her out in my mommy way – I counted her respirations and listened to her breathe with my ear on her back.  I looked at her lips and nails to see if they were at all bluish.  I took her temperature.  All were normal.  I wish I had a pulse-ox thingy.  If you recall, she had to have an echocardiogram about a year ago due to a very pronounced heart murmer.  The doctor said she was just fine.  I wonder though.

I was tempted to take her to the doctor after that comment but that is when I get so screwed up and feel like I have no perspective.  She has an appt. on Nov. 18 for her three year checkup.  I am going to voice my concerns and request they test her hemoglobin.  So – I am just trying to wait until then.  Meanwhile I am afraid maybe there is something wrong with her and I shouldn’t wait.  But, there is nothing I hate more than taking a child to the doctor and having them tell me she is perfectly fine.  I feel like an idiot.  Plus, it is only a few weeks until that appointment, would I then need another appointment for the three year appointment?


As an aside, my friend Sherry, who is president of the non-profit I am working with and whose daughter died of neuroblastoma, is in the hospital with another of her daughters.  Her daughter was on the bus and the bus driver was egged on by the kids to go over a dip fast and she did and this little girl hit her head on the ceiling and landed on her abdomen and lacerated her liver.  Beside the obvious horrors of this accident she is having a hard time being in the hospital with another daughter.  I went to visit her on Sunday and it sucked just to be visiting.   As I have said before, the universe is not fair and losing a child does not make your other kids immune.  I wish it would.  Her daughter is expected to recover fully, thank god.


I won’t bother linking back but 2 years ago I killed my laptop.  I lost everything on it.  I tried everything to get the data back and read all the silly tricks.  None worked.

About a month ago my current laptop’s hard drive died.  I had the computer out and about with me and when I got home and took it out it said “no hard drive detected”  I took it out, but it back in, hooked it up to our desktop and it was just dead.  I bought a new hard drive and went on from there.  I had backed up data in May and had most everything I needed.  Pictures are always backed up and in mulitple places so I am not at risk of losing those ever.  As a side note to that, one of my pieces of advice to people with all their pictures digital is that next time you are going to visit good friends or family out of town, make a backup of all your pictures and bring them with you.  Leave them with you family.  Now you have off-site backup

Now – back to my story.  Yesterday I left my laptop (running)  on my bed for a good part of the day.  Later in the afternoon I brought it downstairs and put it on the  coffee table.  After dinner I walked over to it just as it was trying to reboot and got the dreaded no hard drive message.  I popped the hard drive out and it was very hot to the touch.  I put it back in and tried to boot again with no avail.  I remembered one of those weird hard drive recovery hints – putting the hard drive in the freezer.  So – I popped it in the freezer for about 15 minutes until it was cool and then put it back into my laptop and it booted right up.  I backed up my files and turned it off again.  Today it is working just fine.  I will be watching the temperature from now on.  Crazy!

Not offended easily

I sat in a coffee shop reading for a little while (When You are Engulfed in Flames, David Sedaris). I was the only customer in there for most of the time and then a friend of the sole employee arrived and they sat chatting. I sipped my coffee and read my book and didn’t hear a word they said. I then decided to get up and leave and the friend apologized saying she was sorry if she was driving me away because they were talking about strippers. I told them I was reading and had not even heard them but I am not sure they believed me. As I rolled away in my minivan I am guessing they thought they offended me. I could have cared less if they were talking about strippers. What would have driven me away would have been if they were talking about how much they loved the presidential candidate I am not voting for and bashed the one I did vote for. I’d rather hear ANYTHING but politics right now!

New Poll

I have tried to keep politics out of my blog – especially since a few of the blogs I read are not keeping it out and I disagree so strongly with these people it makes it hard to read their blogs now and may change my view of them in the future. So – I don’t want to do the same to my readers. However – I am curious how my readers are voting. So – please make your choice in my poll (in the sidebar) and if you leave a comment – please don’t talk politics!

The end of an era

I sold our crib and changing table yesterday. They served us well for 8 years and three kids. They were good quality. One of the few arguments Luke and I have ever had was over that crib set. He thought it was too expensive. I accused him of wanting our unborn first child to sleep in a cardboard box.

Lauren is almost three! Where did the years go.

People really do that!

I have seen caricatures of women who keep things in their bra/cleavage. I have seen it in the movies. I never thought I’d see it at ballet class – by a woman my age, no less. I heard a cell phone ring, looked over at her and she promptly reached into her cleavage, extracted her phone and answered. Oh-Kay….

What I have been up to.

I have been posting here and there but not really about everyday life. I thought I’d share some things.


As I referred to in the previous post (also written today) Lauren is in a mom’s morning out program at a nearby church. It is from 9-1 every Monday and Wednesday. One of her best friends is in it too and she LOVES it. It is not just a daycare situation, it is a structured learning environment and it makes her feel like she is going to school. Since she wants to do everything that Julia gets to do she loves having her school.

I love her having school too! I have some free time to do things for myself. I run errands, go to the library, sit in a coffee shop, meet people for lunch, and have my thoughts to myself for a little while. It gives me free time for another venture which I will get to later in this post. I know that all too soon she will be in Kindergarten (2 years, 10 months) but I also know I will not regret having her in this program.


I was unable to commit to much over the years Nathan had cancer. My schedule was too unpredictable for that and all my energy was spent on his medical care. I am free from those things now and of course, I wish I weren’t.

On Wednesday mornings I am helping out in Julia’s classroom during the reading hour. It is fun to be in there and I love her teacher (who was Nathan’s teacher).

On Wednesday evenings I am helping out (not leading!) in Julia’s choir at church. This involves a lot of “babysitting” because there are kindegarteners in there who have been in school all day and are just plain done sitting and listening. Interestingly, I seem to end up with one or two kids on my laps and others leaning on me during the hour and a half. This is not interesting in that the kids want to, it is interesting because if you know me, you probably do not picture me with kids hanging off me. I am just not that kind of person. Why they gravitate to me for that is beyond me, but I actually enjoy it. They must see something that I don’t see.

The last half hour of the evening is in the gym, but not to play, to have devotions. That is VERY hard on these younger kids. I was initially to lead these kids with questions I was given. I quickly realized I was ill-equipped and asked for some help. Fortunately they have given the questions over a senior high leadership class so I am off the hook. I will just continue to wrestle with the kids to keep them sitting in the circle.

The other thing on my plate is a non-profit organization I am involved with. This organization exists to serve the families being treated at our local pediatric oncology office. The woman running this organization was going to dissolve it. A friend of mine, whose daughter also died of neuroblastoma, decided to take it over. She has gotten it transferred to her and changed the name to Nevaeh’s Wings. We are kind of rebuilding the organization from the ground up and are trying to keep it simple for now. One of the new things we are doing is holding support groups for the caregivers. We are having our third one tonight. We will also be reviving a photography program for the families and hopefully add a peer support group at some point. Perhaps a grief one later down the road.


Julia continues to attend group therapy through hospice twice a month. Luke and I attend a child loss grief group through hospice. We may not continue that for too long. It has been mostly parents who lost infants for 6 months now and the losses are soe different we are not getting very much out of it currently. Julia still loves hers – I have told her she will have to stop sometime…but I don’t know if that is true…I just don’t want her her to count on doing it indefinately if that is not possible.

4. CHOIR….

Still enjoying choir…Thursday nights. We do a big Christmas concert every year at the local symphony hall with a bell choir, big band, symphony, soloists and this year, ballet. We are starting to gear up for that.


Julia and Lauren are still in dance. I am not sure for how long they will continue but for now they both enjoy it. Lauren tells me she doesn’t want to go and then has a lot of fun. Last Friday she said’ “Ballet is one of my most favorite things, but I don’t feel like going today”. She is at the age where she really wants to be in charge of her own agenda….too bad!


We are now having dinner every Sunday evening with two other couples. It is wonderful to have a set time like this. Luke and I isolated our selves for years and it is nice to begin to get out of that.

My busy schedule leaves little time for attending playgroups. Several of us longtimers have kids in school and preschool now and so it is not as regualr as it used to be. I went to a playgroup this morning with only one other attendee, however it was was very good friend Myndi, so it was nice to catch up with her.

There is more stuff (I am not forgetting Luke) but I have run out of time. Thanks for reading. (there is another post below I wrote right before this one)

Out of the mouths of babes….

Lauren’s mom’s morning out program is at a baptist church.

After school yesterday she was trying to tell me all kinds of things about God and Jesus. Finally she said “Jesus is your most allegiant friend” I asked to her repeat it and that is what she said. I told her she was right. They say the pledge of allegiance every morning so I am sure that is where she got the word.

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