Monthly Archives: September 2007


Trying to fix messed up insurance claims is something I have always hated – doing it for your dead son’s medical bill – 1000 times worse.

Without going into too much dteail – the pathologist split from the hospital while we were in NY last year. So every single cbc he had between coming back and going on hospice is being billed to us from the pathologist office because the insurance company isn’t paying them – they are paying the doctor’s office and the lab, but not eh pathologist. Argggghh – not to mention this lovely line:

maximum yearly out of pocket – $1000
ytd out of pocket – $1691.45
YTD deductable remaining – $-691.45

Uh..duh! I am not paying more than $1000. Shouldn’t there be something in the code that prevents the negative amount or at least flags it?

Now – I have to go off to be around people and smile and make nice with people I may not know at dinner. So thrilled. I don’t even want to be around ANY people and I certainly don’t want to smile at them and be polite.

Ten years ago today

Rocking chair

I recently took this picture of Lauren in the rocking chair in her room. I love the way she is looking at the camera and the way the light is coming into the room.

It made me have to look up this picture of Julia in the same rocking chair (a few months younger).

The picture of Julia really cracks me up. It is one of those baby pictures that I can look back upon and really “see” Julia in it. That is HER.

Hope is Alive

My church choir had a tradition of a Palm Sunday concert (now we have a Good Friday concert instead). There was a focus based on an event that transpired in the past year. In 2006 it was Hurricane Katrina. Our choir conductor composed three a cappella songs for the concert.

One of them has stayed with me ever since and I find it a great source of comfort. Those of you who know your bible verses will recognize some of them here.

Hope is Alive – J ames DeJ arn ette*

We have this hope as an anchor for our souls.
An anchor firm and secure.
In this world you will have tribulations.
But take heart I have overcome the world.
Hope is alive.
Fear not, for I have redeemed you
I have summoned you by name
You are Mine

When you pass through the waters
I will be with you.

Take heart, I’ve overcome the world.

We have this hope as an anchor for our souls.
An anchor firm and secure.

Hope is Alive
Take heart, Hope is Alive

* I want to give credit where it is due – but avoid search engines – therefore, the extra spaces.

My closet

My closet is about 1/2 functional right now. It is going to be a problem when I need to dig out my sweaters. Nathan’s bed was in our room, in front of our closets when he died. Sometime that afternoon I grabbed the pillow he had been lying on and threw it in one side of my closet. The pillow has been followed by a bag from the funeral home with things from his memorial service. I also threw in a large bag of chemo and accutane that fell on me when I tried to get something out of my bathroom closet. It needs to be disposed of safely and I am not sure how. Lastly, there is another bag from the funeral home in my closet – it contains a temporary container with Nathan’s ashes in it. I guess we’re working on the avoidance method for all those things right now.

Perhaps I can do without my sweaters this year.

Random stuff

1. So Wednesday night went ok. We didn’t end up picking a class due to mundane details about the kids choir schedule. Luke and I just chatted.

2. The car handle broke off my old car a few weeks ago. We haven’t used it much since and actually have the part on hand now and will attempt to fix it. However, I drove it to choir rehearsal tonight. When I got back to my car, I put the key in, unlocked the car and proceeded to almost fall over from trying to grab the non-existent handle. Old habits die hard, I guess.

3. Every day while I wait at the bus stop for Julia, the same truck drives by on his way home. We have taken to waving. I have decided that it really bothers me that this same thing happens at the same time every day. Some people like that kind of stuff and take comfort in it. Not me. Luke likened it to the movie “Groundhog Day”. I wouldn’t say I am terribly adventurous, but apparently I really don’t like routine either.

4. I wish I had a time machine. I would take it back to when I was about 17 years old. It would be a summer night and I would drive out in the country with friends and roll the windows down and play great music and feel the wind in my hair. I would love that sense of freedom and also my whole life in front of me. Can someone bottle that up and make a drug?

5. Speaking of drugs, I am now taking 3 prescriptions daily at a cost of $60 a month. The pharmacy tech knows my name (and she wasn’t even there when I was there almost daily for Nathan). I am almost 35. Why do I feel 80?

6. Related to the drugs….I used to love to go to bed. I fell asleep easily and slept fairly well all night – except for the night terrors. At times they would keep me running around my room doing “things” for up to two hours after going to bed. Sometimes they were bad, sometimes I hardly had them. I still had a good nights’ sleep most of the time.

Since Nathan died a few things have happened. First of all – I don’t really want to go to bed and when I do – I could stay up all night! It used to be that if I watched TV for 15 minutes in bed I was fast asleep (5 minutes if it was Saturday Night Live for some reason). Now, I have been watching all kinds of stuff on, good and bad and I am not falling to sleep. I am not trying either but it is weird for me. I guess part of it is not wanting to wake up and start another day. Secondly, my night terrors escalated after Nathan died. Instead of having them occasionally, for an hour or two, I was having them every night and ALL NIGHT LONG. Hour after hour I would jump out of bed as the imaginary thing tried to do whatever it was to me. I would head downstairs, realize I needed to go back to bed and repeat. So – I am now on a sleeping pill. It works REALLY well. It cost a little more than a dollar a night and Luke tells me it is worth it.


During the school year, our church has Wednesday night dinner and kids choir and adult classes.

Tonight we are starting back up and I think that is why I am just feeling nauseous. Nathan loved Wednesday nights. He loved to sing and loved to eat and always had a really good time. In fact – the picture is from last springs’s brochure and he is on the far left in choir practice. Tonight we have to go back without him.

We had signed up to be in a small group bible study on Wednesday nights and I just backed out (it was to start next week). The leader called last night to say it would be 12 people (yikes – a few too many for me right now) and that they would be meeting in the Parlor. The only time I have set foot in the Parlor was at Nathan’s memorial service. It was the place for us to mill around and wait to be walked into the sanctuary. I can’t stand the thought of being back in there right now! I just called the leader and she was very nice about it. There are other, large, classes for us to take on Wednesday nights and so we’ll just do that.