Monthly Archives: August 2010

Protected: Boulder Creek Trail

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PTSD

Pat Lacey – dad of the extraordinary Will Lacey recently posted about a presentation of PTSD in parents of cancer kids.  I remember being in the middle of treatment with Nathan and attending the conference in 2004 ( I think?) and hearing a similar presentation.

Today I had a moment like that and it came out of the blue.  Lauren and I walked to the supermarket.  When we entered the door a woman came in as well with a IV still placed on her arm and some of that flexible bandage stuff wrapped around her arm (I can’t believe I have forgotten what that is called! or at least what they called it at Sloan Kettering).  I only caught her out of the corner of my eye and I had a physical reaction where my stomach dropped and I caught my breath for a minute and I felt a “zing” in my brain.  Then, I realized what had made that happen.  It was really odd and out-of-body-ish.  I surely have seen such things in the last few years but this one really caught me off guard.  Strange the way the mind works.  I am sure I have suppressed a hell of a lot of emotions and memories.  Four and a half years of hellacious medical procedures witnessed and a painful death are sure to do that to someone.  I hope they stay out of my consciousness as much as possible.

p.s. this is my third post of the day so you might want to scroll down if you are not using a feed reader.

Holding Hands

Now that Lauren is going to the same preschool as Nathan and Julia it is bringing up a lot of memories.

From where I park I cut through a field to the portables outside the school.  There is a well-worn unofficial path there.  Yesterday as I was holding Lauren’s hand walking down this path I could clearly remember doing the same with the other two.  It was very sweet.

Here is a picture taken on my cell phone of Nathan and Julia holding hands on the path after picking her up from preschool.

Nathan still held my hand as a 6/7 year old.  We’d get out of the van at the clinic and I’d take his hand as we walked to the door.  He and I went a lot of places together, just the two of us and even though the circumstances were not always the best I feel lucky I had that time with him.

Oh my gosh – for extra cuteness I just realized that Julia is wearing Nathan’s coat.  She must not have had hers and he gave it to her.

Technical issues

Over the years I have had people tell me they have trouble with my site.  I figured out one of the problems for commenting.  If you are using internet explorer you may not see the word verification words and if you just type in your comments and click “preview” you will then see the words and can post from there.

Other problems such as freezing and multiple windows opening are things I cannot replicate on any of my computers but if you have any of those problems and have any insight, let me know.  I tried to change one of my gadgets to see if that will help.

Bedroom Makeovers

I think I mentioned before that I have been redoing the girls rooms.  A good makeover post would have before and afters but I am not a good blogger – so there you go.  I do have a before of Lauren’s and will see if there are any pictures of Julia’s taken for another reason.

Lauren – yellow walls… before and a complete mess!:

After: green walls plus one purple

Julia: before – long ago but was blue with that bed set:

After: with lavender walls:

Both girls are very happy with the new setups.  Now to keep those rooms clean!

Protected: Back to School Retrospective

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Weak

I was glad to be back at church and at choir today.  If you recall, two weeks ago I had Luke take the girls so I could be alone at home and brace myself for the upcoming week.  Then, last week, with Luke leaving again we “attended” church in our pajamas on the couch with the livestream though the mac mini on the big TV.  We’d been out of town the last few also.

Here comes the however to being glad to be back.  I only sang the first service because:

1. Surprise hymn from Nathan’s funeral
2.  Sermon that started out with a dead kid story
3.  One of points of sermon is that people look at those who suffer to bear witness/figure out how that withstand their suffering and still keep the faith.
4. Ends with the end of dead kid story and how the 2 year old brother saw dead brother ascend to heaven with Jesus singing “Jesus Loves Me”

After all that – I didn’t think I could go back up there and do another service.  I think I have mentioned before that the online streaming does some extreme close-ups so I pretty much need to hold it together.

So – I failed at the bearing witness part by being to weak to go back up there, but oh well!

Luke and I got coffee and a bagel and discussed some things that needed to be discussed.  Hopefully next week will be better.