I was glad to be back at church and at choir today. If you recall, two weeks ago I had Luke take the girls so I could be alone at home and brace myself for the upcoming week. Then, last week, with Luke leaving again we “attended” church in our pajamas on the couch with the livestream though the mac mini on the big TV. We’d been out of town the last few also.
Here comes the however to being glad to be back. I only sang the first service because:
1. Surprise hymn from Nathan’s funeral
2. Sermon that started out with a dead kid story
3. One of points of sermon is that people look at those who suffer to bear witness/figure out how that withstand their suffering and still keep the faith.
4. Ends with the end of dead kid story and how the 2 year old brother saw dead brother ascend to heaven with Jesus singing “Jesus Loves Me”
After all that – I didn’t think I could go back up there and do another service. I think I have mentioned before that the online streaming does some extreme close-ups so I pretty much need to hold it together.
So – I failed at the bearing witness part by being to weak to go back up there, but oh well!
Luke and I got coffee and a bagel and discussed some things that needed to be discussed. Hopefully next week will be better.
How Can I Keep From Singing? 
It's a good thing then, that the Lord uses the weak and the foolish to show His strength and His wisdom. The Lord is using you in many people's lives whether it feels like it all the time or not. I'm sorry that it hurts so much. And no, you did not fail. I'm glad that you and Luke had some time alone together.
You wrote, "So – I failed at the bearing witness part by being to weak to go back up there, but oh well!" I don't know. If someone hit you in the head with a hammer for 20 minutes and you didn't collapse from it, but chose not to be hit in the head for another 20 minutes, I wouldn't exactly call that weakness.