Category Archives: dreams


I dreamed about Nathan last night. I seem to do that on rare occasion. One thing always is true about the dreams. No matter what I always know that he is dead in my dream and am trying to figure out how he his there.

In last night’s dream Julia was getting ready for school and then Nathan was standing there, in his John Deere shirt, jeans and John Deere hat and we said to each other that it was a shame he couldn’t go to school too since he seemed to be feeling OK and was ready. We put Julia on the bus and took Nathan to school. Then he was much weaker and so I just cradled him in my arms like a baby and carried him around the school to see all the people there he loved. He was talking and smiling. We decided to go to the school library and we sat there and read books. As we ran into people who were obviously confused because he had died and been cremated. I just said, “we don’t know why or how his body is here and it doesn’t matter”.

After a while we left to go home and I still carried him and he was as if weightless. Then, my dream ended.

Something’s missing

I had one of those things happen to me that I have had dreams about – now that it has come true – perhaps I won’t have it anymore.

Yesterday, Julia was to go to a tea with a friend and later, Nathan was to go to an Air Force baseball game with Luke. Julia’s friend was sick and so she didn’t get to go to the tea. So, we decided Julia should go with Luke and Nathan to the game.

As they pulled away, Lauren cried and cried at the door. I yelled for Luke to stop and I decided that Lauren and I should go too. I hurried and locked up the house and grabbed Lauren’s shoes and things and hopped in the van. As we approached the Air Force Academy – I looked down. I was barefoot.

A little searching of the van and I managed to produce a pair of Julia’s neon green socks out of her backpack. So -on went the socks and we carried on from there. It was hot and the bleachers were metal – so my feet got a little bit toasted and I am sure some people thought I was crazy. We had a great time and it was no big deal.

I have a feeling I will be getting some flack from Luke for a while for this one.

As for the picture – before the game they had four men parachute down to the field. It was extremely cool.

Keep me in your heart

Luke recently blogged about Warren Zevon’s album, “The Wind”. He wrote it when he was dying of cancer. I am not a huge Warren Zevon fan but I really like this album. It’s got some really good music and most of the music was written from his perspective of someone who is dying, which is a unique perspective. It is horrible that he died but I can’t help but think that, in spite of that, how lucky he was to be able to create this music about it and to say goodbye and leave his mark on the world the way he wanted to. (I don’t think that came out the way I wanted to but I can’t think of another way to say it. He is certainly not lucky that he got caner and died)

As I drove home tonight, I had my iPod on my”everything but” playlist which is all my music except classical and religious and one of his songs came on.

What would you say, in song, to your spouse if you were dying? I think he nailed it.

Shadows are falling and I’m running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile

If I leave you it doesn’t mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for while

There’s a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for while

Keep me in your heart for while

Keep me in your heart for while

Sometimes when you’re doing simple things around the house
Maybe you’ll think of me and smile

You know I’m tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for while

Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

Engine driver’s headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for while

These wheels keep turning but they’re running out of steam
Keep me in your heart for while

Keep me in your heart for while

Keep me in your heart for while

Keep me in your heart for while

My old house

I lived in the same house my whole childhood, until I went to college. My parents had the house built and moved in when my mom was pregnant with me. They sold the house and moved to South Carolina when I was in my early twenties. I loved that house and the neighborhood. If you stuck me in the house today blindfolded I could walk around the whole thing without missing a step. I often have dreams about the house. In some of the worst it has been torn down.

So – “my” house is for sale right now. It has a nice tour so I got to see many of the rooms. I was surprised that it actually brought tears to my eyes. In my alternate life I would buy it and move back to Illinois.

Of course, it wouldn’t be the same. I am sure this is all about childhood nostalgia. I had a really good childhood and that house represents that time in my life of innocence and happiness that can never be recaptured. Oh – to be back living in that house with my parents taking care of me and to has my most serious problems be about school and boys and clothes.

Night terrors

Some of you who know me well know that I have some form of night terrors/vivid dreams. Sometimes, they are relentless and other times I have weeks and weeks without them. I had been mostly without them for a while. The last night in Florida they came back and I can’t shake them. Fortunately they are not the scary variety but they are the repeating kind. This means that I awake with the same “visions” and scenarios over and over again. this goes on for what seems like hours. Right now I am stuck with a dream that I am on a disney ride and my bed is the “car”. Luke is asleep next to me and they are waiting for us to get out of the car and move along.

I probably woke Luke up several times last night. I just kept sitting upright and seeing everything in the room plus seeing the extra things in my dream.

That is the weirdest thing about my sleep issue. Whatever it is that I am dreaming I can still see in this state and I can also see my surroundings. I cannot be convinced that something is not there because I am hallucinating. Luke has learned the hard way not to debate me when I am in this state. He still does try to catch me when I leap over him running for shelter from the thing coming at me from the ceiling.

I guess I am lucky that I am not having the terrrifying version right now but I really would like to get off the ride tonight.

If this is 49, what does 50 look like?

I am blogging a dream….more for my benefit than my readers I think.

I walk into a hotel with some wealthy person. The people in the hotel apologize profusely that room 50 is not available but take us instead to room 49. We walk in and it is palatial. The floor and walls are marble with the ceiling several stories high. The main room is the size of a football field. There are stairs everywhere. One stairway leads past a very fancy swimming pool. We keep touring until we find we have exited to the street. We are in NYC and we had left our Maclaren stroller while we have been inside. Someone has taken ff the wheels and is replacing them with plastic wheels the same blue color as the stroller. There is apparently quite a bustling black market for Maclaren stroller wheels. We catch him in the act and he puts the wheels back.

The dream ends there because I am awoken by a crying baby at 4:30 am.

Pimp my Ride, Strawberry Shortcake

So – the night before last I had a very vivid dream. I was in a parking lot and there was something illegal going on with another van in the lot. Nothing too strange there. However – in my dream the van was pink with Strawberry Shortcake all over it. No reason why. I tried to emulate the van – couldn’t really capture it though…

Songs for a long, empty road

On a board I am part of, my friend ~A~ asked the question,

What songs would you love to listen to while driving down a long, empty road?

Here is my answer – if you read this and you have a blog – consider yourself tagged (or answer in the comments of you don’t).

1. Big Log – Robert Plant
2. In a Daydream – Freddy Jones Band
3. Lake Charles – Lucinda Williams
4. Song Two – Blur
5. Going the Distance – Cake
6. Sunset Grill – Don Henley
7. Snowin’ on Raton – Pat Green
8. Road to Nowhere – Talking Heads
9. Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For – U2
10. Here I Go Again – Whitesnake