Category Archives: dreams

Sat. night dream

Once again – blogging a dream mainly for myself to remember.

I’m in a house that is my house but not my actual house in real life.  There are tons of houseguest and kids about as well as some friends of friends that I do not know.  Nathan walks in the hall and he is about 5 or 6 and is wearing pajamas – perhaps his blue and red hot wheels pajamas.  I smiled at him and told him I was glad to see him as I hadn’t seen him much today because he’s been off playing with all the kids.  He walked out of the room and the person I was standing with asked if he was my son and I said yes.

This is one of the only dreams I have had of Nathan where I do not acknowledge during the dream that Nathan is actually dead.  He just sliiped into my dream as if he was a part of my everyday life as usual.  It was a nice treat.

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Dream

This entry is for me – I like to write down my dreams of Nathan so I can remember them later.

I was in the inpatient side of MSKCC. I walked through the halls and accidently walked through the nurses station. I ran into Dr. K and he said my name with surprise and asked what I was doing there. I told him I was there for my son. He made some comment thinking I was there to remember Nathan being there but I told him that Nathan was there and I was going to go get him. I got to his hospital room and I picked him up and was holding him cradle style. He was his 7 year old size. He was sweet but I could tell I was hurting him. I then picked him up chest to chest an he wrapped his legs around my waist and said that was much better and smiled at me. I took him right out of that hospital into the sunshine.

The feeling of being near to Nathan is still with me this morning. I love that.

Dream

I had a disturbing dream last night. Nathan was brought back to me, temporarily, and I was glad to see him but after we hugged he told me he was in pain and I had to give him some morphine and I was just so upset that he had been brought back to me only to suffer. It was nice to hold him on my lap though. He was wearing this outfit (minus the hat).

DSCF0169_0155
From July 2005

Dream

I dreamed about Nathan last night. I seem to do that on rare occasion. One thing always is true about the dreams. No matter what I always know that he is dead in my dream and am trying to figure out how he his there.

In last night’s dream Julia was getting ready for school and then Nathan was standing there, in his John Deere shirt, jeans and John Deere hat and we said to each other that it was a shame he couldn’t go to school too since he seemed to be feeling OK and was ready. We put Julia on the bus and took Nathan to school. Then he was much weaker and so I just cradled him in my arms like a baby and carried him around the school to see all the people there he loved. He was talking and smiling. We decided to go to the school library and we sat there and read books. As we ran into people who were obviously confused because he had died and been cremated. I just said, “we don’t know why or how his body is here and it doesn’t matter”.

After a while we left to go home and I still carried him and he was as if weightless. Then, my dream ended.

Something’s missing

I had one of those things happen to me that I have had dreams about – now that it has come true – perhaps I won’t have it anymore.

Yesterday, Julia was to go to a tea with a friend and later, Nathan was to go to an Air Force baseball game with Luke. Julia’s friend was sick and so she didn’t get to go to the tea. So, we decided Julia should go with Luke and Nathan to the game.

As they pulled away, Lauren cried and cried at the door. I yelled for Luke to stop and I decided that Lauren and I should go too. I hurried and locked up the house and grabbed Lauren’s shoes and things and hopped in the van. As we approached the Air Force Academy – I looked down. I was barefoot.

A little searching of the van and I managed to produce a pair of Julia’s neon green socks out of her backpack. So -on went the socks and we carried on from there. It was hot and the bleachers were metal – so my feet got a little bit toasted and I am sure some people thought I was crazy. We had a great time and it was no big deal.

I have a feeling I will be getting some flack from Luke for a while for this one.

As for the picture – before the game they had four men parachute down to the field. It was extremely cool.

Keep me in your heart

Luke recently blogged about Warren Zevon’s album, “The Wind”. He wrote it when he was dying of cancer. I am not a huge Warren Zevon fan but I really like this album. It’s got some really good music and most of the music was written from his perspective of someone who is dying, which is a unique perspective. It is horrible that he died but I can’t help but think that, in spite of that, how lucky he was to be able to create this music about it and to say goodbye and leave his mark on the world the way he wanted to. (I don’t think that came out the way I wanted to but I can’t think of another way to say it. He is certainly not lucky that he got caner and died)

As I drove home tonight, I had my iPod on my”everything but” playlist which is all my music except classical and religious and one of his songs came on.

What would you say, in song, to your spouse if you were dying? I think he nailed it.

Shadows are falling and I’m running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile

If I leave you it doesn’t mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for while

There’s a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Sometimes when you’re doing simple things around the house
Maybe you’ll think of me and smile

You know I’m tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for while

Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

Engine driver’s headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for while

These wheels keep turning but they’re running out of steam
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Keep me in your heart for while

My old house


I lived in the same house my whole childhood, until I went to college. My parents had the house built and moved in when my mom was pregnant with me. They sold the house and moved to South Carolina when I was in my early twenties. I loved that house and the neighborhood. If you stuck me in the house today blindfolded I could walk around the whole thing without missing a step. I often have dreams about the house. In some of the worst it has been torn down.

So – “my” house is for sale right now. It has a nice tour so I got to see many of the rooms. I was surprised that it actually brought tears to my eyes. In my alternate life I would buy it and move back to Illinois.

Of course, it wouldn’t be the same. I am sure this is all about childhood nostalgia. I had a really good childhood and that house represents that time in my life of innocence and happiness that can never be recaptured. Oh – to be back living in that house with my parents taking care of me and to has my most serious problems be about school and boys and clothes.