Candy Pants is what I call these pajama pants. I rarely wear them – they are high waters now, but they are really comfortable. I grabbed them out of my drawer the other day and have been wearing them this week.
Why am I blogging about them?
They are full of memories. Five years ago Nathan and I went to New York city to stay for about 10 days and have him start a new clinical trial. So new, he was the first human to try it. The doctor in charge of the research told us it it could be “a cure”.
After the first treatment and we were getting close to our return date we had an appointment where the doctor told us that he really didn’t want Nathan to go home because no one had ever had this treatment before they were concerned about unknown side effects. I still remember the call home to talk to Luke about it.
So – we didn’t go home (not until December). Fall came to New York City and all I had packed were summer clothes. I went to Old Navy to do a little shopping and bought the candy pants (since Halloween was the next holiday and so they were the cheapest long pajama pants they had). Luke and Julia eventually came to visit with some more clothes for Nathan and I, but I must not have requested any more pajama pants because I wore the candy pants every single night.
It is hard to believe that was 5 years ago. There are so many memories. I was just remembering when Nathan was in the hellish in-patient run there and we just scanned him and he had progressed on treatment. He was neutropenic and his counts were not coming back. They were insisting on giving him shots to raise his counts even though the medicine could be given by IV. They felt it was more effective in the shot form. That day, I knew there would be no cure for Nathan. I grabbed one of the residents and pleaded for the IV form. I heard the usual spiel about shot versus IV. and I told them that he had this scan and that I felt he was now terminal and I was not going to allow him to give him a shot when he could have an IV. I had turned the corner from trying to save him to preserving his quality of life.
Now I remember why that memory came up. Luke and I were discussing the fact that we never had “the talk” (for you non-cancer parents that would be the your-child-is-going-to-die talk). We realized we didn’t need the talk because we had been running the show and making the decisions for quite a while and so we could see that when the last great attempt was made, and his bone marrow could not longer handle chemo, and his disease was still progressing, that it was the end. No doctor had to tell us that. I am glad for that. We didn’t give up – we then researched all other available trials at the time and had phone calls with the famous Dr. S. in Vermont who rescued several children and Nathan just couldn’t do what was mandatory chemo for that trial at the time.
Anyway..so the candy pants…you see how no memories are simple when it comes to what we have been through. So many things are chained together. I don’t mind wearing them..I am sure I snuggled with Nathan while I had them on.