If you recall, I wrote about the physical manifestation of my grief a while back here.
I did have an “attack” a few days after Nathan’s funeral and then was relatively well for a while after that with occasional “episodes” that I though were medical and now think were caused by anxiety/grief. It seems that instead of the passing of time helping, it is getting worse. One of the things is my startle reflex which gets really overactive. I had a bizarre jolt driving home from the airport where there was a slower car in the lane in front of us and I saw it and let out a big gasp and nearly startled Luke into an accident. Really small things cause a huge overreaction at the base level, before I have control over them. It is crappy.
Passing Nathan’s birthday and approaching his date of death has me at the verge of tears and experiencing some of these things. It is really frustrating because I am planning some things where I have to be “on” and the thought that my mind/body may betray me is really depressing. I do not like being weak and vulnerable. More than that – it is just not my personality. I guess you might say no one likes that, but it really is just not me.
Yes – I guess I am whining…forgive me because I know it could be worse