So I have mused a few times recently (too lazy to look up the posts right now) about if some of my physical problems are stress/grief related. Luke was the one who told me that perhaps it was and it had not really occurred to me before then.
However, I got “proof” today. I was planning a trip to two banks to consolidate what is left of Nathan’s memorial fund into one interest bearing account and also to the safe-deposit box. I went through some folders to select things that needed to go to the safe-deposit box and selected the title Nathan’s “slot” in the Columbarium. It was in a fancy envelop with a snap and so I opened it up just to check the contents and found his “Certificate of Cremation” in there. IT is an official document that was needed before interring his remains. I had forgotten we had to give it to the cemetery. There it was, spelled out in front of me, date of death, age of death, date of cremation. Ugh, ugh ugh!
So – I tucked it in my envelop and hurried off to take Lauren from school but my chest was tight, I was short of breath and dizzy. It stayed that way for quite a while. One of the bankers was trying to make small talk as he set up this account (memorial, he knew that much anyway) and I finally told him that this was not a cheerful errand and apologized that I really wasn’t in the mood for small talk.
Anyway – I just find it all so odd. I knew what I read, I had this physical reaction, I knew I was having this reaction based on what I had just been doing but I could not make it stop. I am just used to being in control of myself and I guess it is beyond my control.