So I just dropped Lauren off at preschool.  I have been, for some reason, plunged into a grief cycle right now.  Lauren being in Nathan’s preschool definitely has been bringing up some feelings.  I think I recall being in a similar place last September (and frankly most of the fall-Christmas).  Nice.

I decided to sit at Starbucks for a little bit and maybe blog.  So – I sat down but before I could get started I caught a glimpse of one of Nathan’s former preschool classmates and her parents.  After a while she saw me waiting for her drink and started chatting.  Eventually she asked how Nathan was.  She didn’t know.  Yikes – it has been since forever that I have had to tell someone that who actually knew him.  So – I told her.  It was awkward.  Especially with her 10 year old at her side.

So – yeah, not feeling any better right now and the blog subject fell right into my lap.  It’s not really funny to think that the whole period between now and Christmas might be like it was last year.   It is not really a matter of a change of attitude or something.  If you ask all the people I hang around I think they would say that I do really well, that I am strong.  I go through all the motions, but on a happy face as much as possible.  I can’t do anything about the grief within my soul though.  It is there and I do my best to ignore it but sometimes I can’t do anything about it.

4 responses to “Timing

  1. Well, yeah, that sucks.

  2. My cubemate lost her baby girl to SIDS in January. We talk about how strong see appears to those of us at work but she says the same thing you just did about going thru the motions and happy faces. Jill O

  3. You have every right to feel (and express) your true feelings. Sometimes other people get uncomfortable, and that makes me uncomfortable, but IT IS WHAT IT IS. I hope that you will take very tender care of yourself and your heart in this season; you deserve it. If others don't understand, they can learn – or walk away.I just re-opened a book that one of the hospital chaplains gave to us right after Katie passed. It's called "Tear Soup." If you haven't read it, I recommend it; it's really comforting and wonderful, and is also appropriate for kids. Blessings to you.

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