So – tomorrow should be Nathan’s ninth birthday.
Last year I decided I just needed to let it go by. This year – pretty much the same. It is still too painful to plan to “celebrate” it in any way. We were in Hilton Head last year so it was a bit easier to let it go. This weekend I kept thinking about how we might have been having his party.
I feel a bit guilty that I am not one of those who feels like they can celebrate it. I feel like it is somehow dishonoring to Nathan that I can’t bring myself to mark the day in some happy way. I just can’t.
It doesn’t help that there were not very many good birthdays to remember. 1 and 2 were good. 3 he was having chemo all day. 4 he in remission but was having the very painful antibodies in New York City. 5 was good – we found out he relapsed a few days later though. 6 we had learned the previous day that he had relapsed again therefore cutting his survival chances to nearly nothing. 7 was pure hell. 7 he was dying. We had actually given him his birthday presents the week before because we thought he might not live to his birthday. 7 he barely made it downstairs to the table to blow out his candles but was instead in bed most of the day. Those images are very hard to get out of my head.
I suppose I will let the girls know tomorrow that it is Nathan’s birthday. I recently had a discussion with Lauren about Nathan’s birthday and she was surprised he had a birthday and I said that even though he was dead it was still his birthday. She paused and asked me when was his “un-birthday”. I was surprised and asked her if she meant when was the day he died and she said yes and I told her.
Our zoo is having a members only night tomorrow and we might just go to that. I Don’t know. That in itself will be hard because the only other times we have been to the zoo at night was for a special night for ill children. The last time we did that with Nathan he was unable to walk and in lots of pain but he wanted to go anyway so we loaded him in the jogging stroller. He and I had just left the clinic where I had rushed him in earlier due to pain I could not control at home so I brought him for some IV pain meds.
So – there are minefields everywhere. Painful things. I am thinking it will be better after July 29 but between now and them I am just trying to get through.