I don’t know what it is to have chronic pain. I know a lot of people deal with severe pain that cannot be fully controlled every day of their life. They have to go on with their lives though and so they just continue to do, despite the pain. If you don’t know them, you might never know what they are dealing with, even if you are talking with them face to face.
This is what I was thinking about yesterday in Wal-Mart. I walked passed the legos and the trucks. What happens? I nice big stab of pain to the heart. Yesterday I acknowledged it – most of the time I do not because frankly, there is pain everywhere! There are literally very few places I could go or things I could do that do not remind me of my loss of Nathan. Everyday, everywhere, I am confronted by his loss. Grocery stores, school, church, my house, doctor’s offices…places I have to go every day as I go about my day. I even go to bed every night a few feet away from the place he died.
It is chronic emotional pain and it cannot be fully controlled. Some days, I seem more anesthesized than others. Some days I can control the pain better than others. Regardless, it is there, every day and all the time. I suppose some of you who know me well wonder about this because I am very good at hiding the pain.
Some days I am just so tired at the end of the day from swallowing the pain all day and not letting it show.
It is there.