Chronic Pain

I don’t know what it is to have chronic pain. I know a lot of people deal with severe pain that cannot be fully controlled every day of their life. They have to go on with their lives though and so they just continue to do, despite the pain. If you don’t know them, you might never know what they are dealing with, even if you are talking with them face to face.

This is what I was thinking about yesterday in Wal-Mart. I walked passed the legos and the trucks. What happens? I nice big stab of pain to the heart. Yesterday I acknowledged it – most of the time I do not because frankly, there is pain everywhere! There are literally very few places I could go or things I could do that do not remind me of my loss of Nathan. Everyday, everywhere, I am confronted by his loss. Grocery stores, school, church, my house, doctor’s offices…places I have to go every day as I go about my day. I even go to bed every night a few feet away from the place he died.

It is chronic emotional pain and it cannot be fully controlled. Some days, I seem more anesthesized than others. Some days I can control the pain better than others. Regardless, it is there, every day and all the time. I suppose some of you who know me well wonder about this because I am very good at hiding the pain.

Some days I am just so tired at the end of the day from swallowing the pain all day and not letting it show.

It is there.

6 responses to “Chronic Pain

  1. Yeah. Some days I think, I’m so tired of “it” having happened, can it please stop now? But it doesn’t. I just have a nap. I don’t feel any better when I wake up, but it kills some time.

  2. I can’t imagine….(((((HUGS)))))

  3. I understand this, because I live the same kind of life. Not only the things you did together, the places you went with him, the things he loved, but all of the things that you hoped to do, looked forward to doing, and aren’t going to get to do with him. It hurts, and I am sorry that you have to live with it. I pray that God’s love will comfort you, and that you will be given exactly what you need each moment.

  4. I can imagine this. My daughter died almost 8 years ago. I feel like I am not aging well – I am carrying a heavy burden and it shows.

  5. All of you moms who have lost a child, esp. now as we approach Mother’s Day–the rest of us with still intact families who cannot completely understand what you are feeling but hope to never have to feel it ourselves are so, so sorry. We do not deserve to have our families whole, just as you do not deserve to have yours torn. We also do not deserve your patience and generosity towards us, the constant forgiveness you must extent to everyone who inadvertently steps on your still aching heart with insensitive words and well-meaning but fumbling actions. I don’t know, this post might be an excellent example! I hope all of you moms–my dear Susan most of all–experience love and peace and joy this month. You are so, so loved.

  6. I do not have children yet. I do have chronic pain from intractable migraine. You are right in that it is difficult. Some days are ok. Some are not. I can’t imagine the pain you must feel after losing your beloved son. However, I have found that those of us with pain simply have to live- we have to go to school, to the store, do other things. It can take a lot out of you. But the important thing is to keep going. Your pain may not be visible, nor could I ever imagine it, but like many of us you get up and live every day and that, in itself, is fighting this terrible battle. You do it well and I know that your son would be proud of you.

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