Monthly Archives: September 2008

Techinal issues….

*** Update – I have put a temporary personal theme up ***

Whomever created my theme has exceeded their bandwidth on photobucket. I will hopefully have my theme (or a new one) back up soon.



…no pun intended

Luke and I have been having some allergy problems.  I decided we should deep clean our bedroom because it had been a while.

A long while….

So – I moved the couch and was unpleasantly surprised to find this document:

Mountain View Mortuary
General Price List
Children 7-13 Years

Yes – did you know that age affects funeral costs?  We just missed the 6 year cut off by a month…

What a crappy document.  No parent should ever have to seriously read this damn thing.

Anyway – here is page one if you are curious…no room for denial when you read the line items. (click to make bigger)

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33 months 15 days

Lauren is now the same age Nathan was when he was diagnosed.  It is so hard to look at her and remember him that young.

I don’t know if it is related or not but I have been having a strange vision/thought lately with her.

I will be changing her diaper and when I see her hipbones I envision bone marrow aspiration marks.  In NYC they did bone marrow from the front too and something about the current size/look of that area reminds me of Nathan I guess.  It has happened more than once and is kind of disconcerting.

I have a lot of irrational fears of her getting neuroblastoma.  Natural, I know but not rational.  I go through periods of panic about it and wonder if I should have her urine tested or an ultrasound.  Sometimes I wish I could just get a CBC and see normal blood counts.  However, I wouldn’t do that to her, even if her doctor agreed.

I only write down a fraction of the strange and horrible thoughts that go through my head.  You would all think I am crazy.  I saw SO MUCH.  I saw things a parent should never have to see.  I wish I could have those memories erased because they do affect me.  However – I just have to live with them and manage to weave them into the rest of my life’s experience and hope that at some point I will not be so traumatized by them.