As usual I haven’t blogged because I mostly have a swirl of things running around my head. All the PINK breast cancer stuff is annoying me. What about childhood cancer? I was just commenting on someone else’s blog and it made me think of the poor shoppers confronted with a gold (childhood cancer color) mixer at Target. “Gold – oh that must be to support research for childhood cancer – Oh my God – I’m not buying that! Now I am thinking about kids having cancer and I don’t want to shop anymore.” I am glad there is so much awareness now about breast cancer. I have known women with breast cancer. This is not against them but is about moving forward to children.
I am also cranky because I haven’t been feeling great and have been eating horribly – the kind of mindless eating that is bad for you. Purely emotional.
Luke has been having all kinds of problems with his ears and allergies and has been swamped at work and is now travelling this week. He hasn’t been all that cranky even though Lauren has been extra cranky lately and I have been all but unavailable to him – sitting here behind all my walls where I retreat to. The problem is, when I do that, most people have no idea because I can easily function. In fact it is easier than ever to deal with casual relationships when I am like this. It is my close friends and family that bear the brunt of it.
Furniture was rearranged this weekend. Julia now has Nathan’s dresser and there is a shelf on her wall with his things that were on his dresser (at her request). Thank goodness at least I can blog about this because I haven’t really talked to anyone about it and it was really hard – but how does one just bring it up in conversation. “Oh and by the way I took all my son’s things down from his room and put them on a small shelf. This small shelf now represents that my son used to live in that room.” No one I will let myself really talk to about that so I just stuff it inside me. So – I guess it at least comes out here.
One thing I really appreciated this weekend. I went to a girls night at a friend’s house. Most of these women I know only very casually. One of them came up to me and told me that she didn’t feel right not saying anything and she didn’t know how to say it but she wanted to tell me that she knew Nathan’s story and that she admired the way I seem to be coping with it all and that she just didn’t feel it was right all these times she has chatted with me to not say SOMETHING about what I had been through. So many people, but especially all the moms I am constantly around, have no clue what to say to me and more than that probably don’t even want to think about it. I mean, I am just proof that something like that could happen to them. It is too scary. So – nothing gets said. I have prefected answering the “how many kids do you have” question. I do it is in such a way that I mention Nathan last and say that he died and then I very quickly CHANGE the topic lest I have to stand there and watch them try to get the shocked look off their face and try to come up with something to say. I tried to stonewall the dental hygenist last week. She asked if I had kids and I just said yes. She later asked if they were in school and I just said yes. She finally ended up asked me how many and so then I was stuck with answering.
Anyway – I guess I have managed to spew some of the thoughts that have been hanging around inside me. If you read this far – sorry and thanks.