Feeling cranky

As usual I haven’t blogged because I mostly have a swirl of things running around my head. All the PINK breast cancer stuff is annoying me. What about childhood cancer? I was just commenting on someone else’s blog and it made me think of the poor shoppers confronted with a gold (childhood cancer color) mixer at Target. “Gold – oh that must be to support research for childhood cancer – Oh my God – I’m not buying that! Now I am thinking about kids having cancer and I don’t want to shop anymore.” I am glad there is so much awareness now about breast cancer. I have known women with breast cancer. This is not against them but is about moving forward to children.

I am also cranky because I haven’t been feeling great and have been eating horribly – the kind of mindless eating that is bad for you. Purely emotional.

Luke has been having all kinds of problems with his ears and allergies and has been swamped at work and is now travelling this week. He hasn’t been all that cranky even though Lauren has been extra cranky lately and I have been all but unavailable to him – sitting here behind all my walls where I retreat to. The problem is, when I do that, most people have no idea because I can easily function. In fact it is easier than ever to deal with casual relationships when I am like this. It is my close friends and family that bear the brunt of it.

Furniture was rearranged this weekend. Julia now has Nathan’s dresser and there is a shelf on her wall with his things that were on his dresser (at her request). Thank goodness at least I can blog about this because I haven’t really talked to anyone about it and it was really hard – but how does one just bring it up in conversation. “Oh and by the way I took all my son’s things down from his room and put them on a small shelf. This small shelf now represents that my son used to live in that room.” No one I will let myself really talk to about that so I just stuff it inside me. So – I guess it at least comes out here.

One thing I really appreciated this weekend. I went to a girls night at a friend’s house. Most of these women I know only very casually. One of them came up to me and told me that she didn’t feel right not saying anything and she didn’t know how to say it but she wanted to tell me that she knew Nathan’s story and that she admired the way I seem to be coping with it all and that she just didn’t feel it was right all these times she has chatted with me to not say SOMETHING about what I had been through. So many people, but especially all the moms I am constantly around, have no clue what to say to me and more than that probably don’t even want to think about it. I mean, I am just proof that something like that could happen to them. It is too scary. So – nothing gets said. I have prefected answering the “how many kids do you have” question. I do it is in such a way that I mention Nathan last and say that he died and then I very quickly CHANGE the topic lest I have to stand there and watch them try to get the shocked look off their face and try to come up with something to say. I tried to stonewall the dental hygenist last week. She asked if I had kids and I just said yes. She later asked if they were in school and I just said yes. She finally ended up asked me how many and so then I was stuck with answering.

Anyway – I guess I have managed to spew some of the thoughts that have been hanging around inside me. If you read this far – sorry and thanks.

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10 responses to “Feeling cranky

  1. Wow, you sound so like me. I’m amazed you can blog about this. I would never say anything of the kind to anyone. Not that I ever talk to anyone anymore, really. I hope you get through this and come back to a more social you, in time. You’ll never be the same, but my hope for you is really that you are able to reconnect with others. Living in a bubble inside myself has its pros but it has a lot of cons, too.I wish I could help other than praying for you.kwjsktw

  2. I heart you.And I think it’s awesome that Julia has a little Nathan shelf and that you allowed her to have that. Not just for her but for you and Luke too. I think it’s a sweet little reminder of who he was, who he is to you (all), and he will always live in your hearts. Cliche, yes, but true. I hope everyone is feeling better soon and a little less cranky. (((HUGS)))

  3. I just want to say hi. I miss you. 🙂

  4. (((HUGS))) I’m so sorry Susan! I wish I could there was something I could do for you! Always thinking about you and if you need to have some mindless chit chat scouts is Saturday at 3. 😉 Let me know! ((HUGS))

  5. I read this yesterday and was thinking of something good to say, but I really don’t know what to say to comfort you and I don’t think I ever could anyways. Just know that I love you guys and am here for you and am always thinking of you guys and missing sweet Nathan.

  6. I visit Nathan every day and have not moved him to a little space on a shelf. I have the same feelings about pink breast cancer stuff, but can never even comment about it to my husband because his mother died of breast cancer that metastasized to her brain.VB

  7. Thank you for posting this. It’s all so true; I hear you, I agree, I understand, and you are not alone. I have not changed Katie’s room. I get stuck if I even try to go through her dresser drawers. It hurts. God bless you.

  8. i don’t know you Susan but have followed Nathan’s story. I even dreamed about you the other day. It was such a sweet dream. I was babysitting your girls and then you came home and you showed me pictures of Nathan and talked about him. It was nice because while you were sad, you had a smile while remembering him. I have no words but my prayers.

  9. I just came to this blog through Kyah’s journey. The entry I just read here could have been written by me, about people asking how many children I have and avoiding it or answering and then changing the subject straight away. My beautiful little girl died 6 years ago this Tuesday of Wilms Tumour and I wish that nobody else knew this pain, but sadly others like you do too. (((((hugs))))) to you.

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