Happy Birthday Julia

Julia is six years old today! I am not quite sure how that happened.

Julia, Julia, she is my exact opposite! I am befuddled by her at times and frankly annoyed and amazed at her. She confounds me.

Luke mentioned that Julia has been having a hard time lately. She lost it this morning trying to find clothes to wear.

Her turning six is also weird to me in that Nathan’s last year of life was spent as a six year old. He turned seven only a month before he died. I can’t look at her and not see the little sister but she is quickly catching up.

I also just don’t know what happened to the years between one and six. In many ways they are lost to me.

She was 14 months old when Nathan was diagnosed. At that moment she ceased to be my baby that I was wrapped up in and so in love with as my focus turned towards Nathan’s battle. I was forced to leave her for weeks at a time when, to that point, we had never even had a baby sitter. She was taken from me and I from her. She has been second priority ever since. Luckily for her people have come into her life that love her in ways I cannot.

I am sure she feels that gap that I feel. I am the adult – it is my responsibility to heal the wounds – to give her the love she needs and deserves. I don’t know how – and she is six – time is moving on.

I am trying – not hard enough – but trying.

12 responses to “Happy Birthday Julia

  1. I pray that Julia has a truly happy birthday. I know it will feel tough with out her brother physically present. I pray for all of you to find true happiness.Thinking of you all so very often…even though I have not written lately. You are close in my thoughts.God Bless you all…especially Julia today!love — Katie

  2. Happy Birthday Julia. 🙂

  3. I am sending good thoughts to Julia. What a trying time for her, for all of you. FWIW, 6 year old girls in general are kind of princess-y divas, IME. Don’t beat yourself up too much, Mom.

  4. Happy Happy Birthday Julia! Hope your day is awesome.

  5. Happy Birthday Julia! – your friends in the bayou, W & C

  6. First off Happy Birthday Julia! I hope you had a wonderful day!Secondly….I am sure alot of the feelings you have are totally normal Susan. How could you focus on your relationship with Julie? I truly hope and pray you two can reconnect. Maybe its time for a mother daughter trip, just the two of you. Always in my thoughts! Love Melissa

  7. Happy Birthday to your Julia! I hope she has a wonderful day!

  8. Happy 6th Birthday Julia!I hope she had a wonderful all girls party. I bet you were pooped afterwards! I think despite your thinking that you may not be trying hard enough, you are. You’re human and you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. I am sure it’s all normal feelings to go through, for both of you. (((HUGS))) Always thinking of you guys.

  9. There have been many things I have doubted in life, but the one thing I have never doubted was the love both you and Luke have for your children. You have done the very best you could under the absloute worst circumstances. Your daughter is loved and she is lucky to have you for her mother. No matter what, she was meant for you and you for her. And you are the very best mother for her.

  10. Oops, I didn’t mean to sign in as “anonymous” above. I am Rita Bolli and thank you for sharing your link with me.

  11. Happy Birthday Julia! Susan & Luke, I am always thinking of you. (((HUGS)))

  12. What a courageous post. I’m often amazed at how clearly and openly you share your feelings. That’s something I really admire.I hope you and Julia find each other again.

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