Living Life

Sometimes it just really hits me how odd it is that life just goes on after someone dies. The details of everyday life continue and have to be dealt with. A week or two just doesn’t seem like enough time to actively mourn someone. Nathan died and we had his service 5 days later. People came in to town and we all mourned Nathan. Nine days later my parents left, Julia started kindergarten and Luke went back to work. Regular life was thrust upon us and this life with work and small children just doesn’t leave room to stop and mourn. So – we got right back into things. School, church, work, playgroups. Sometimes it just doesn’t feel right. It feels like I am faking my way through everything. I also feel like when people see me, they don’t see any of what Nathan’s death has done to me on the inside and I just look like any other suburban stay-at-home mom with all the normal “problems”. In some ways it seems dishonest. Then, when I think about it I realize there just aren’t any other choices. My girls need a “normal” routine. I can’t just go lay in bed – I have to take care of them. Luke has to go to work and make money. So life trudges on. Something just isn’t right though and I just don’t know what to do differently.

8 responses to “Living Life

  1. Dear Susan,When my father died when I was 14, I remember thinking it was so bizarre – I went back to school, did my work, and all the rest – for the longest time, I felt like it was a dream and that I would wake up and my life would be back to normal. Every time I come across your blog – whether you’ve posted or not, I remember Nathan – I remember you – I remember your loss. I can’t imagine the pain that this upcoming Christmas will bring you – I hate that Nathan won’t be here to celebrate. Please know that you will be in prayers in a special way – from one mom to another.Michellemom of 8

  2. Susan,I wish I could think of something to say that would bring some sort of comfort and support. The only thing I know to say is I think about you, Nathan and your family each day. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.I want to say something more but can’t find the words.

  3. “I also feel like when people see me, they don’t see any of what Nathan’s death has done to me on the inside.”You know, I feel like that too. Someone actually told me a while back, “you don’t even have any problems, that’s why you’re always happy.” It just seemed so weird, when I can’t stop thinking about all the people I’ve lost the last four years, and that’s what people see about me – I’m “happy” and don’t have any problems. I feel like I’m living miles inside myself where no one can see me, and watching this weird “me” puppet interact with the world.Not that it helps you any, I guess, but just to say I can really relate to what you’re expressing, I think.

  4. I sometimes feel the same way – obviously not to the same degree as you – since Nathan’s death and then a few weeks later my grandmother’s. I wonder how I can go on living like those that have passed didn’t touch my life and teach me many lessons, to keep living like that void isn’t there. I often forget how precious life really is and how eblessed we all are to have it’s gift, in ourselves and the ones we love. Some of the moms in the playgroup asked me about Nathan after a couple of your posts (having joined after he passed away) and they were astonished. You do hide your inner thoughts and feelings well… but you are right, what else can you do? I do think that those of us that have known you through that whole journey, can still see and feel your loss. And I know this sounds so cliche, but I really believe that Nathan would have wanted you to keep living life after he is gone. Anyways, some ramblings for you. I think that you and Luke are amazing parents and super strong people and am always in awe of how you’ve dalt handled the cards that life has dealt you. We love you guys!

  5. I lost someone dear to me once, and I remember walking around feeling dead to the world, going through life shocked that people treated me like I was just me. I was in such mourning and carried my memories of this person everywhere. It was bizarre to me that they didn’t see him while I walked through life dealing with his absence. How could they know? To me it was so obvious that I was not a whole person and I was shocked to watch others try to interact with me as if I were. I found it very unsettling, as if I was inadvertently misleading them all.

  6. Hi Again Susan,I just wanted to stop by one more time and tell you I’m thinking of you.Much Love,Jaime

  7. I did spend a year in bed after the death of my daughter, but then I got up and pulled my career out of the dumpster. Now I walk around like a normal person but I wonder why people don’t see that I am not normal.

  8. how true, how heartwrenching. they talk about the “stages” of death as they come, they never talk about the stages of mourning. you are still grieving so very much, it’s amazing how the world doesn’t stop, even though it should. I want you to know that i have met so many parents who have lost their child to this horrible disease, who feel the same way. although you feel alone, you are not. you are linked in the hearts, minds, and spirits of not only these families, but their dearly departed children. just keep breathing, keep existing, and make it through the day. and if you need to stay in bed a little longer–know that it’s ok too. just don’t judge the good to yourself.Love,Erica

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