Opposite of nesting

So – people say that women “nest” before they have their baby – cleaning and getting things in order.

I spent a whole day doing just that the other day. Anyone who knows me well knows that cleaning is something at the bottom of my list and that I am not very good at, either.

Am I un-nesting?

Nathan slept most of the day that day. Keeping busy is a good thing. When I am not busy, or especially when awake in bed I have to think about things like funerals.

I also have all kinds of absurd thoughts about the timing of things to come and conveniences of the various timings.

I also think about the future and all the things I will be able to do again and the things I can offer Julia and Lauren without doctors appointments, etc.

There is basically nothing I can think that is good these days.

I have the urge to go to choir rehearsal and sing. I know it would be good for my soul. If it weren’t for… “people who care about you?” (Luke completed that for me when I was pondering aloud about it). He’s right – they all want to support me, but I just don’t know if I can handle it. Plus – part of me will wonder if I am being judged for being there, instead of at home with Nathan.

I hope you don’t mind the ramblings….I have been updating Nathan’s site daily and that leaves me without the energy for this blog.

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13 responses to “Opposite of nesting

  1. Susan. I love your posts. So real. So carefree. So, well, real. I visit here and Nathan’s page numerous times a day. Thank you for your “realness!” LOL! Danya

  2. Nothing profound to say. Just thinking of you guys….Love

  3. I stop here daily, sometimes 2-3 times a day. I can not even imagine how difficult this is for you and your family! While I don’t have cancer, I’ve been dealing with a chronic auto-immune disorder (ITP-Low Blood Platelets), being treated the last 3 years at the Texas Cancer Center. Your thoughts about not seeing other people at choir practice reminded me of how I had gotten so sick of people’s iquiries into my health. I appreciated their concern but I was SICK of talking about it! It was as if the more I had to talk about it, the more empowered my disorder got. I resented it having so much of an influence on my life. I didn’t want to be defined by it much like you probably don’t want to be defined as the “Mom of the little boy with cancer”.The other thought about going to choir practice and how it would probably do your heart good: Just look at the title of your blog! Even when I was at my angriest with God, shaking my fists at Him and questioning the value and purpose of prayer; I would still go to church. I told Him that I refused to sing praises though. That lasted about 2 Sundays. We are created for worship, our souls long for it and the desire has been placed within us by God Himself. I told Him that I was still angry and still had a lot of questions but that I would continue to lift my hands and heart in worship to Him. He honored that and while I am still dealing with this disorder, I have learned so much from it about me, my faith and my Father that I can give thanks in the midst of it. If you want to go to choir practice, I say GO! If someone thinks less of you than that’s on them! God looks at our motives, man looks at outward appearances. You never know, it could be that your going there, might be what someone else needs to see in their own life about the consistent goodness and faithfulness of God.Hugs from texas,Connie

  4. hi susan,parents of other children with cancer (like me) will completely understand why you go and sing even now, especially now. go!elena

  5. Greetings from England.I admire you so very much, rambling is what a blog is for:-) I look forward to your posts kiddo. You are an awesome women, don’t forget that.I’ve tried to add Nathans blog to my blogline feed but get the message that a RSS feed cannot be found:-(Don’t worry about what people think, you do need some you time. Go and practice with the choir and recharge your batteries, no one will think less of you.

  6. I don’t know what you can do about “people who care about you.” Not in a group that size. Unless you ask to address the group and tell them they are inadvertently driving you away from one of your few comforts.There will be someone there judging you. They are going to Hell.

  7. I have had some experience with anonymous church going. For me, it was just because I was some place away from home. I’ve found it to be pretty cool to be a stranger in the midst of others worshiping. I’m not sure why. Maybe because I’ve generally been a pretty recognized person in church. I suppose going to a foreign worship wouldn’t provide as much singing as choir practice. But you would not have to endure the presence of those condemned people Josh mentioned.Love,JimII

  8. Reading as always and praying even harder for you all. I don’t know what else to say! (((HUGS))) for all of you.

  9. Some of the other people posting have made excellent, wise observations, Susan. For my 2 cents worth, I agree you should go to choir, and if anyone asks about things, just say something like “I appreciate your asking, but I would prefer to have a little time tonight not thinking about it.” I cannot imagine anyone taking that the wrong way or judging you for it! Or would you feel comfortable asking Tonya to say something to the choir, or the choir director? I also liked the suggestion about going to a different church once or twice, if you just wanted to be in tha sacred space without worrying about having to have your protection up. For something entirely different, you could go to Solid Rock church, which was somewhere down on the south end of the Springs when we were there. The couple of times we went, the singing was very gospel, very easy to sing along with, and the congregation was as diverse as I have ever seen in my life. The preaching was really down to earth too, although the services were long and we always left before they were completely done. Or you could try something close by, like New Life, where Nicole used to go. If you want hymns, you could try Mesa Hills Bible Church. Remember the old analogy about mothering, comparing it to the instructions you receive on an airplane in the event of loss of cabin pressure? They tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first, so you will then be capable of taking care of your child(ren). You are not being selfish or neglecting to do something that nourishes your spirit–you are being smart, and making a good decision, and doing what is truly best for your children. Just a few thoughts. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM (big hug)Lisa

  10. What Josh said.Amy in Iowa

  11. Thinking of you and your family! HUGS

  12. I think it would be good to go to choir. But maybe call someone first and have them tell the choir that you need your space.

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