Sorry for the lack of blogging. I have been updating Nathan’s page almost daily so that takes my energy away from here.
If you ran into me on the street and chatted with me you’d think everything was fine. I make a big effort to be that way. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me – most especially myself!
However, considering I have a child who is dying and everything he and I and us have been through there is a price to pay for that “everything is fine” demeanor.
First and foremost – is my marriage. Don’t be alarmed – my marriage is fine. However Luke and I deal very differently with stress. I wall myself off in all ways and he could use my support and closeness. Therefore, I cannot give him what he needs. This is something he and I discussed the night of Nathan’s diagnosis many years ago and so it is something that we (he) just deal(s) with. Right now, it is particularly noticeable to me.
Second – is my mental health. I have night terrors and they have been ramping up as of late. They are particularly bad lately with people/Luke/Playmobile toys (don’t ask) trying to kill me. They end up with me balled up on the floor shaking and crying.
Third – is my friendships. This is kind of related to #1 as I find I can easily socialize with casual friends, but those closest to me I find harder to spend time with. They KNOW me and aren’t fooled by my facade. But, I NEED that facade to function and I don’t really want to step away from it, so I think I am avoiding some of my friends (you know who you are!).
There are more ways in which I am failing but I think that is enough for now. I am doing the best I can – but my best is never good enough for everyone. I know everyone understands (well except for my kids) so I am not worried. If this were to go on for too long I suppose it could become a problem.
Oh well – what am I to do?