Something’s gotta give

Sorry for the lack of blogging. I have been updating Nathan’s page almost daily so that takes my energy away from here.

Anyway…

If you ran into me on the street and chatted with me you’d think everything was fine. I make a big effort to be that way. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me – most especially myself!

However, considering I have a child who is dying and everything he and I and us have been through there is a price to pay for that “everything is fine” demeanor.

First and foremost – is my marriage. Don’t be alarmed – my marriage is fine. However Luke and I deal very differently with stress. I wall myself off in all ways and he could use my support and closeness. Therefore, I cannot give him what he needs. This is something he and I discussed the night of Nathan’s diagnosis many years ago and so it is something that we (he) just deal(s) with. Right now, it is particularly noticeable to me.

Second – is my mental health. I have night terrors and they have been ramping up as of late. They are particularly bad lately with people/Luke/Playmobile toys (don’t ask) trying to kill me. They end up with me balled up on the floor shaking and crying.

Third – is my friendships. This is kind of related to #1 as I find I can easily socialize with casual friends, but those closest to me I find harder to spend time with. They KNOW me and aren’t fooled by my facade. But, I NEED that facade to function and I don’t really want to step away from it, so I think I am avoiding some of my friends (you know who you are!).

There are more ways in which I am failing but I think that is enough for now. I am doing the best I can – but my best is never good enough for everyone. I know everyone understands (well except for my kids) so I am not worried. If this were to go on for too long I suppose it could become a problem.

Oh well – what am I to do?

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10 responses to “Something’s gotta give

  1. This may sound strange, but maybe your night terrors are your body’s way to release some of the feelings behind the facade. Not that the dreams are real or true, but that they help you let out some of the shaking, crying and curling up in a ball feelings that you can’t let out when you are awake. Don’t stop taking time to sleep. You need it. Can you also allow yourself to be comforted when you wake like this? You are doing what you can in an impossible situation.

  2. You have always been very open about how you prefer to keep your feelings and emotions to yourself. That sentence seems kinda funny but you know what I mean. 🙂 Your family and friends know this and love you. Remember that. 🙂

  3. I agree with Daelyn, 100%! Although sometimes I worry that you think me less of a friend for basically avoiding conversation about Nathan. But you have to deal with it how you need to deal with it! You are not “failing” in any way. There is NO “right” way go through something like this. Love you!

  4. Your openness and self-awareness continue to amaze me. I read what you write and think surely the reward for such self-realization is stronger relationships and greater–I don’t know–emotional strength. But, I suppose that is more of a hope than anything.Love,JimII

  5. I think it’s fabulous how much you and Luke can give to all your children. The “weaknesses” you are seeing in yourself are very small in the grand scheme, and I know mine would be quite a bit worse.Take care if you can.

  6. There is no “right” way to go through what you are dealing with. I created that wall around me too but Justin’s death brought it down. Luke and you are now in the midst of a parent’s worst nightmare. From what I have read on your sites you are fantastic parents with great children. Be proud of your actions and try to be as tough as you can. Dale Ashcraft

  7. You’re surviving. I am sorry you’re experiencing what you are but your friends here have spoken better than I ever could. Always keeping you in our heart.

  8. Yeah ~ what they said.I think you and Luke are absolutely amazing people. For what you can give to each other, the kids and yourselves.To echo Myndi said, there is no right or wrong was to *deal* with what you guys are going through, you just handle it the way you can.Much love and prayers.Oh and I had to giggle a bit about the playmobil comment. I’ve had similar nightmares but it’s more of the tripping on them and breaking my neck sorts.xoxo

  9. Susan I don’t think “failing” is the right word. I think the word you are looking for is “surviving” or maybe “coping”. I have no idea how I would deal with what you are dealing with. I don’t think there is a wrong way or a right way, just “your” way and that should be good enough for your true friends who will be with you no matter what.You are thought of, cared for, worried about, and most of all loved by many.Hugs,Amy in Iowa

  10. Susan,If it is easier to talk to those who do not know you as well, my email is always open and because it’s an email you don’t have to put up a facade for me. It’s like I told my newly widowed sister: there is no “right” way to deal with grief. You do what you have to do to get through what you have to get through.You aren’t failing anything or anybody.Just know you are held in prayer. I know that sounds so trite sometimes but He is really listening. I’ll pray that you feel His presence and comfort.

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