Seven years later I am “celebrating” Nathan’s last birthday.
When you give birth to a child you never imagine your time with them could be so limited.
I think of holding Nathan in my arms and imagining his future. It is just so wrong that he isn’t going to have one. That I don’t get to witness the man he would have become.
I no longer really imagine the futures of Julia and Lauren. I find that to do so seems such a luxury and I just can’t afford it. Instead of expecting them to grow up – I really hope it will happen. I do not take it for granted. It is a loss of something most have as parents. You expect your children to grow up. I will never expect that again.
The joy I have in my other children can never be as carefree as it could have been because it is tempered by knowing I could lose them too.
It should probably be a happy day but it is not. I am sure next year it will be an even worse day – so I am trying to make myself be happy that today he is here with us. It is hard.
I have to go bake his birthday cake now….