June 16

Seven years ago I gave birth to my first child, Nathan. I became a mother. I was instantly in love.

Seven years later I am “celebrating” Nathan’s last birthday.

When you give birth to a child you never imagine your time with them could be so limited.

I think of holding Nathan in my arms and imagining his future. It is just so wrong that he isn’t going to have one. That I don’t get to witness the man he would have become.

I no longer really imagine the futures of Julia and Lauren. I find that to do so seems such a luxury and I just can’t afford it. Instead of expecting them to grow up – I really hope it will happen. I do not take it for granted. It is a loss of something most have as parents. You expect your children to grow up. I will never expect that again.

The joy I have in my other children can never be as carefree as it could have been because it is tempered by knowing I could lose them too.

It should probably be a happy day but it is not. I am sure next year it will be an even worse day – so I am trying to make myself be happy that today he is here with us. It is hard.

I have to go bake his birthday cake now….

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10 responses to “June 16

  1. I don’t know what to say, but I don’t want to read and comment. I have been thinking about you guys all day.

  2. What a beautiful baby, and a wonderful child.Hugs for you all.

  3. ((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))Lisa

  4. HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATHAN~ He was a adorable baby and a very handsome little boy!

  5. Sending our Happy Birthday wishes to Nathan. 🙂

  6. I am at a loss for words as well. Just know that there are MANY people out there thinking and praying for you guys. I wish I could give you a HUG IRL. (((((HUGS)))))

  7. I have the privilege of remembering you and baby Nathan from I-Village. He has always been beautiful.

  8. We’re keeping you in our hearts here.Love,JimII

  9. Nathan is precious. My hopes that you have a good day (and lots of delicious cake). Kindest Regards.

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