I knew when we decided to have another baby there could be times I would have to choose between caring for one child over another.
At the time we decided to have Lauren and she was conceived Nathan had not yet relapsed. We knew things would be difficult if he did.
We were pretty lucky that even though he relapsed twice we could juggle what we needed to juggle.
This is the first time I must choose between Nathan and Lauren. Nathan in inpatient and visitors under 12 are not allowed on the floor. So – I can either be with Nathan or with Lauren but not with both.
Today I was mostly with Nathan except for when I needed to nurse Lauren.
Near the end of the day when I was holding her and had to give her back to Kathy ( my mother-in-law) she had a death grip on my arm and cried when I pried her fingers off. It was enough to break my heart. She screamed the whole time I took a shower tonight back at the Ronald McDonald House. I need a disclaimer here that this is not a reflection on Kathy – but merely *not mommy*.
I guess it could be worse. It doesn’t matter so much to Nathan who is caring for him. If he cried when I left him that would be torture.
However – I am his primary medical caregiver and he is about to undergo an untested medical treatment and I feel the need to be with him and working closely with the doctors and nurses.
So – this is how it is.
It is hard.