Torn in two

I knew when we decided to have another baby there could be times I would have to choose between caring for one child over another.

At the time we decided to have Lauren and she was conceived Nathan had not yet relapsed. We knew things would be difficult if he did.

We were pretty lucky that even though he relapsed twice we could juggle what we needed to juggle.

This is the first time I must choose between Nathan and Lauren. Nathan in inpatient and visitors under 12 are not allowed on the floor. So – I can either be with Nathan or with Lauren but not with both.

Today I was mostly with Nathan except for when I needed to nurse Lauren.

Near the end of the day when I was holding her and had to give her back to Kathy ( my mother-in-law) she had a death grip on my arm and cried when I pried her fingers off. It was enough to break my heart. She screamed the whole time I took a shower tonight back at the Ronald McDonald House. I need a disclaimer here that this is not a reflection on Kathy – but merely *not mommy*.

I guess it could be worse. It doesn’t matter so much to Nathan who is caring for him. If he cried when I left him that would be torture.

However – I am his primary medical caregiver and he is about to undergo an untested medical treatment and I feel the need to be with him and working closely with the doctors and nurses.

So – this is how it is.

It is hard.

5 responses to “Torn in two

  1. Hang in there. I can’t imagine that struggle, I was wondering how you were managing – I can barely handle two of mine at a time at home, much less under your circumstances and away from home. We’re still holding out for the best here and excited for Nathan to get started on his treatment.Sondra

  2. Susan – As a mom with three kids all the same ages of yours, I think the struggle is tough – I cannot imagine how your heart breaks to have to make the choices you do. You know you are where you need to be – but it doesn’t make it any easier. We are still hoping for the best with this treatment too!

  3. Thank goodness Kathy’s been able to be there. I know it’s super hard to leave Lauren when she’s protesting so much, but at least you know she’s going to her grandmother.We’re thinking of you, of course.uchvzdn

  4. HUGS! And Happy Birthday on Thursday. 🙂 Thinking of you!

  5. Jeez, Susan. I think you’re making the right decisions, fwiw. It’s impossible to imagine, but I’d choose to be with Nathan as well. And you’re right: Life just is what is. Most of the time we get to like it, but even when we hate it, is just Is. I am so grateful Kathy is able to be there with you guys.

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